Never Alone

Sometimes the littlest thing can drive me to tears.
Today it was a clogged toilet. 
Now, clogged toilets are not ordinarily something that I find overwhelming or difficult to deal with. But my toilet has been clogging multiple times a day and my patience is starting to wear thin. The last time it clogged I went and borrowed my parent's plunger which is much more hefty than mine and managed to get it unplugged. Today was looking like it was going to be one of those days. After at least 20 minutes of failed attempts to plunge the toilet I hopped in the car and drove down the road to my parents house feeling frustrated that I had to waste my time on this silly toilet. I walked in and told my dad that I need to borrow the plunger--the frustration obvious in my voice, if not in the fake smile pasted across my face. He smiled  and said, "It's good practice."

I knew what he meant; I am hoping to buy a house after renting for 4 years and while right now I have a landlord to fall back on, pretty soon all the responsibility of a house will be mine. So yes, I had better learn to (successfully) plunge my own toilets. 

But what it felt like was just another reminder that I am alone. I don't have a husband to plunge the toilets or kill the bugs, or tell me what that funny noise is that my car is making. I don't live at home and so I don't have dad or brothers around to always do those things either. 

As I stomped out to my car and got in and slammed the door behind the plunger I had thrown in the backseat, hot tears stung my eyes. Because really, the truth is sometimes it makes me angry. When I see my friends around me getting married and having babies; When I see the joy that those little ones bring; When I come home to an empty house---sometimes that ache is too great to bear. 

I turned on the radio reflexively as I got into the car. It took a moment for the words to reach me then my tears started to come harder, but less angry, and more repentant and grateful as I heard these words.

"Never once did we ever walk alone, 

Never once did You leave us on our own. 

You are faithful, God, You are Faithful!" 

(Matt Redman)

Sometimes in the midst of the difficulties, and heartaches of this life we can lose sight of this simple truth. We look at our circumstances and say, "God, where are You?" 

The Answer is simple. He is Immanuel. He is here with us. No. Matter. What. He will never leave us on our own. 

P.S. (I got the toilet unplugged. I think I need to invest in a better plunger.)

He is For us

"It tells me what my Father hath, in store for everyday, And, tho' I tread a darksome path, yields sunshine all the way.--"

Sunday morning, while singing this I accidentally sang "dread" instead of "tread" and thought, isn't that so often my problem? --I don't really "tread a darksome path"-- the Lord has truly blessed me with "sunshine all the way" but so often I "dread a darksome path," failing to trust my Father's love. 
Ann Voskamp says, "All fear is but the the notion that God's love ends." And this is my problem-- I fear-- I fear what might be or what might not be... I fear rather than trust.

The Lord brought these verses to mind--He is for us...

"What then shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:31-32

"He is the God that is so for us that He can't stay away from us. The God who loves us and likes us and isn't merely 50 percent or 72.3 percent for us, but the God who is always, unequivocally, 100 percent for us--the God who so likes us, the God who is so for us that He is the God who chooses to be with us (A.V. The Greatest Gift)." 

The rest of Romans 8 explains how God is for us-- 

"Who shall bring any charge against God's elect?" "God is for us." The accusations are ended.

"Who is to condemn?" "God is for us." The condemnation is no longer ours to bear.

Who shall separate us from the Love of Christ? "God is for us." There is no longer anything that can separate us from the Love of Christ.

So as we remember that He came as Immanuel, God with us,may we also remember that He came because of His great Love for us.
A Love that silences the accusations..." You are not enough." He became nothing to give us all things.
A Love that bore our condemnation. "There is therefore now no condemnation to those that are in Christ Jesus."
A Love that came to dwell with us. Immanuel. The Final Word.

The Voice of the Lord

Inspired from Psalm 29

In a Bethlehem town a cry was heard
a child was born-- the Living Word

The Voice that rules the lands and sea, 
embodied in an infant's cry, how can it be?

The Voice that thunders o'er the deep,
is now barely heard among the sheep.

The One who would one day cry out from a cross, 
became an infant to save the lost

The One whose word had the power to heal,
cried out to His mother for his next meal. 

The One who's very words have the power to save, 
Entered time with the cry of a newborn Babe. 

My mind can scarcely comprehend
How the Lord came down to make me His friend

How the One whose words hold the World in place
Would be born into this human race

To become like us, to bear our sin
To die for us, to make us kin

God with us--a babe first came. 
To heal the sick, the blind and lame

This is our LORD, our God and King!
His name we proclaim--His praise do we sing!

Fearfully and wonderfully made

This past summer a friend of mine gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He was born a few days before my birthday and I earnestly prayed for his safe delievry. A week later, as I turned 29, he had his first heart surgery. As I write this he is about to go in for his second heart surgery and I will pray again for this little one and his family. 

Before he was born we heard the news that this sweet boy would have a serious heart defect and around the country and around the world people were interceding on his behalf. As I prayed for him and his family I began to wrestle with God. I was struggling with how this could be His plan. Then one day I read Psalm 139 and when I got to the famous verse 14, I read the familiar words "I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Something twisted inside--Really, God? What is so wonderful about babies who are born with life altering illness and defects? I wrestled with these verse and cried out to the Lord for understanding. 

And then, one day, I was reading the break down of that word wonderful in the original language and I read this-- that wonderful can also be translated, "distinct, marked out, separated, distinguished." My breath caught in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes--this is the meaning of wonderful!? Not wonderful the way we mean it--"I had a wonderful time," "That was a wonderful meal"--we often interchange wonderful for good or great when it really means so much more than that.
God counts our being as wonderful not because of outward perfection or goddness but because He has made each one of us distinct and marked out with a purpose. Two verses later we read, "in Your book were written, every one of them,the days that were formed for me." The Lord who knows the very hairs on our heads, knows the number of our days and He makes them wonderful no matter how many or how few because they are marked out for us.

Safety and Encouragement.

A week ago I had the awesome privilege to spend time with my favorite group of teens in the Allegheny Mountains for our youth group retreat. The weekend was filled with fun, and food and sweet fellowship. We heard amazing messages from the Word and grew in our relationships with the Lord and with each other. 

For me one of the sweetest times was as we went up to the ropes course at camp. I have been up there a bunch of times and though it had been years I have done a lot of the events. But as the Lord would have it our leader took us to an event that I had never even seen before. It was a series of wires strung between three or four trees and only about a foot or so off the ground. The idea is that, with your group spotting you on either side you use some heavy ropes to help balance yourself and you walk those tight ropes.Easy, right? Well, so it looked as the first few teens stepped up to the challenge. It was neat to hear their friends cheer them on as they went. But as time went on, suddenly I realized that our facilitator meant to get us all up there if he could and then I immediately began to squirm. I am not good with heights. I only ice skate if I can hold hands with someone because I am afraid of falling so even a foot off the ground is intimidating. And then, to have all eyes on me, forget it! I usually avoid situations where I have to be the center of attention. But as each of the kids successfully completed the course, I knew I couldn't put it off much longer. So when the teens called my name, I didn't protest but went to the starting point. I think that it was quickly obvious that I was scared out of my mind, as their chatter got too loud and I snapped at them to "Knock it off!"  And then as I moved one foot in front of the other I started to be able to hear their words. "Take care of her. This is precious cargo!" I heard Stacey say. "You got this, Megs," another voice broke through my fear. I looked down at my feet a lot, but when I looked up I saw the faces of people that love me and the fears eased. 

When we were all done (and, yes, I made it to the end without falling off) we gathered to debrief. We talked about what we had learned--about each other, about life, and faith and this journey that we are on together. And as I reflected on my experience, being the one with all eyes fixed on me, it hit me--having all eyes on me was not a bad thing. I have in my life been in situations like this before. Situations where, like this one, I have feared failure--not being good enough, or brave enough, or smart enough, or strong enough. I have focused on those around me assuming that they will be disappointed or angry or lack understanding if I fall. But as I thought back to my time on that wire--I realized that the people who were surrounding me had one purpose: my safety and my encouragement. Their goal was to keep me from falling, and if I did fall, make sure that I fell safely, and to encourage me to keep moving, to keep doing what I was sure I couldn't do!

Safety and Encouragement! Wow! What a thought! As we watch our fellow Christians is that our goal? Are we looking out for their best interests? If we can be the kind of Christ followers who are known by their love then this walk becomes full of grace not full of fear. If we remember that it is not about always getting it right but knowing Who to call when we fall, we will live in the freedom that is ours in Jesus Christ. 

For His Glory and Our Good

This morning I read the story from John 9 of the man blind from birth. I read the familiar question of the disciples, "Who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" And Jesus answers with the familiar words, "It was not this man that sinned, nor his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him."

I wrestled with these words. I want a world where disease and illness are no more; where babies are born whole and without defect, where tragedy and accident are no more. And then to consider that this very thing that looks like tragedy, feels like heartache, is the vessel of the glory of God revealed...

How to take this in? How to surrender to the God who is always sovereign and always good when I don't always understand that power or that goodness?

I was mulling this over all morning as I went to spend time with a family who recently welcomed their second baby. As we stood in the playground watching her almost three-year-old run around, she remarked to me that she couldn't wait til the infant she was holding was big enough to play with his brother. She told me how her mother's heart would break in the waiting before that second child was born as she watched her firstborn play by himself. How she ached for him to have a brother or sister to be his companion and friend. And how when she had that second baby and they brought him home her firstborn son rebelled and quickly asked when that baby was going back to his house. She told me how she knew that having a brother would be so good for her firstborn but how it wasn't easy. 

And then I glimpsed a bit more of the heart of our good God--a God who we know does not "willingly afflict or grieve the children of men (Lamentations 3:33)." With His Father's heart he aches for us to have what is good--but we often, like my friend's son, react by wanting to give the gift back. We want what is easy and not what is best. He knows the things that He has allowed to come our way are working together for our good and He simply asks us to trust His love just as my friend asks her firstborn son to trust her love for him. Just as the mother's love is not lessened for one when then second is born, our Father's love is not changed by our circumstances either. 

Lord may I receive with Thankful Trust whatever You allow into my life "that the works of God might be displayed in" me. 

More thanks

68. good health
69. sharing in memories
70. long chats with friends
71. brilliance of fall colors
72. learning new things
73. time in prayer, time for prayer
74. warm bed
75. wisdom from above
76. new flavors
77. time with Dave & Katie
78. planning for Christmas and Thanksgiving
79. Glimpses of grace
80. books on CD
81. Real maple syrup

Thanks!

46. brothers who humor me even when I am asking them to admire my shoes
47. Perfectly orchestrated days--"You knew this day long before you made me out of dirt"
48. Homemade Philly cheesesteak
49. telemedicine with my brother :)
50. that even the darkness is as light to Him
51. hugs from Grace
52. Bible Study with young and not-so-young
53. having enough
54. sore muscles
55. nights cool enough for corn bags and sweaters
56. Glasses of water everywhere--because that's where I leave them :)
57. unexpected grace
58. A dad and a little brother who sounds more like him every day who remind me to speak well and "keep my tongue from evil."
59. Pippin
60. sitting close on the couch
61. good chats with my little brother on the way home
62. the smell of wood smoke in the air
64. Donut Fridays
65. Taste of Texas--fried green tomatoes and Lone Star Turkey!!
66. Snuggles with my kiddos 
67. Communicating with hand gestures and wild facial expressions

Keep counting

29. For an amazing day hiking with my brothers
30. For the change of seasons
31. Fall leaves
32. Waterfalls
33. Poetry that says what I cannot say myself
34. the Hand of the Lord
35. Chats in the car
36. Dinner with the family
37. movies with friends
38. hugs from Emmy
39. the graciousness of teenagers
40. good book finds
41. Music played by "my" kids
42. fall flavors--cranberry white chocolate scones
43. Tea
44. flowers-- red and yellow
45. little kids who make me laugh

thank yous

Counting blessings... Ann Voskamp says, shows you Who can be counted on. 
Needing to remind my heart of that tonight

16. Thankful for Donut Fridays--bringing joy in the form of sweet treats
17. Gifts well received
18. a special smile from a special kiddo
19. getting to read to one of my precious little ones. 
20. getting to hear about how a friend earned a kindness link by offering a hug!
21. Being wished a "poop-free friday!"
22. getting to work with my sister
23. taking a lunch break
24. Being able to help my mom--do the dishes, make dessert and bring her flowers
25. pizza with the family
26. grace freely given
27. Blue-Grass Sings the Best of Disney sing-a-longs! 
28. That "You knew this day long before you made me out of dirt."

Starting again

So, yes, here I am, starting again with my list of One Thousand Gifts... I have never gotten past 400 but I want to do this--to count the way the Lord God loves me! so here I am again..

I am reminded of that song "A thousand times I failed, still your mercy remains..." Or that one by Rend Collective, "Countless Second Chances"

I am Thankful that is the God we serve--the God of Countless Second Chances.

1. Getting to hold my precious Emmy tonight
2. Talking with my dearest friends
3. Hugs
4. Laughter
5. Yummy dinner that my momma made (Moroccan Chicken)
6. Pie from Morgan
7. Listening to my dad passionately defend the truth of the Word of God
8. Prayer time with the church body
9. Being truly seen
10. Notes from friends
11. Invitations to celebrate joy with others
12. Hot showers and anti-bacterial soap--sometimes regular soap just doesn't cut it. 
13. watching the joy that a child brings to everyone around them
14. Getting to spend time with a precious little one --reading When Bear Gets Sick :)
15. Caedmon's Call--for putting words and music to the cries of my heart

The Touch of the Master's Hand, by Myra Brooks Welch.

For my youth group kids, you are loved more than you can imagine and I love to see how the touch of the Master's hand is growing and changing you! 

Wrestling

Anxiety is a monster
It eats away at me
there's tension building inside
Hidden so you can't see

I sit and try to unwind
My muscles grow sore
I've felt it before
It goes straight to the core

My head starts to pound
I start at each sound
My heart keeps pace
its starting to race

I can't get away
What can I say
I wish I could rest
but I want to give you my best

How to let go?
Does somebody know?
I open my hands
I offer my heart
Lord take me apart

Apart--this anxiety wears me out
I'm coming to pieces
from the fear and the doubt

Apart--"Come apart and rest,"
"I've given you My Best."
"Come you who are weary
Whose load is heavy
Whose way is dreary"

I am starting to see
Its not at all about me
I turn and I bend
I cry out to My Friend!

Lord, I can't
And You don't tell me I can
Instead You whisper, "Lean on Me, my child,
I'll carry you til the end."

(probably not my best work--but in the spirit of transparency--both of my imperfect writing and my struggle with anxiety, here it is)

Seen

I have been reading the story of the woman with the issue of blood recently and some new and wonderful thoughts struck me. 

It is the story of a woman whose medical condition left her ostracized, alone, penniless, and unseen. She was considered unclean according to Jewish law and so would have been unlikely to have much human contact and certainly no one would touch her lest they too become unclean. She had spent all her available funds seeking medical attention that had failed her. She was completely without hope. 

And then one day Jesus comes to town. She comes up behind Him in the midst of a large crowd and touches His garment believing that touch alone can heal her. Jesus immediately knows that "power has gone out from Him" and asks "who touched me?"

And then the word of God shows us a precious thing. It says next, "And when the woman saw that she was not hidden." That she was not hidden. The Matthew account says "Jesus turned and seeing her." 

I am so overwhelmed and so thankful that we are not hidden from Him. He sees us as we really are and love us just the same. He sees our heartache, He sees our pain. Sometimes He touches and heals. Sometimes He weeps with us. But either way He is always the God who sees.

The Answer

Shock and horror

Is this real?

My breath is gone

my lips go numb

My heart is pounding

I wish I could cry

I am crying inside

Why did you die?

My mind seems blank

I reach for the phone

I wonder who to call

I feel all alone

Who will hear me?

Who can relate?

This world's gone crazy

So filled with hate

I cry out to Jesus

Who alone can hear

the cry filled with pain,

anger and fear

He rules and reigns

And justice will be served

No tear shed in vain

No prayer goes unheard

He alone can comfort

He alone can save

My Lord conquered death

And rose up from the grave.

Knowing

Knowing

I want to know

I have to see

How does it work?

this human body

How are we made?

Why do we break?

Can you tell me

help me see 

I know its no mistake

I love to know

It's a joy to me

The wonder of how

The Life-giver breathed His life in me

I love to study

To gain new sight

to see the glimpse

of His glory bright

Lord,use this hunger

To help me grow

Let me seek first Lord

You to know

May my love of study drive me deep

Into Your arms, one of Your sheep

Let me know You and be known

May You be exalted to the highest throne!

Giving up

I once heard someone comment that they never went out in public in sweatpants because they "really hadn't given up on [themselves] yet." And for a while I really tried. I gave up wearing my sweats in public out of fear of what others thought of me. 

But you know what? I like wearing my sweatpants. They are comfortable. They always fit. And when you live in Upstate NY where it is winter 6 months out of the year; they are warm. And frankly fashion-sense has not been one of my strongest points in life. 

So I decided, I am giving up. I am giving up caring what people think of me if I wear my sweat pants in public. I would rather be comfortable than cool. 

I wish it were so easy in other areas. John 12:43 says, "for they loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God." And later on in Colossians we are reminded to serve not by way of "eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord." 

Lord help me to be careful to serve You first, to care most what is on Your heart, and help me to be careless of what people think  of me when I am obedient to You. 

Good

I don't have all my thoughts together on this but I have been thinking about Romans 8:28, "For we know that all things work together for our good to them that are the called according to His purpose." Sometimes this is hard to take in--what I see allowed in to my life or the lives of others does not always seem good. But then last night during our prayer time at Bible Study I was praying for someone who is awaiting lung transplant. I have always struggled to know how to pray for that-- and I have prayed about people awaiting lung transplant frequently in my line of work. The difficulty is that in order for one to live another must die and how do you weigh the value of a life? And so as I prayed last night I thanked our Great God that He knows what good is. Because the truth is, we don't. Without heaven's perspective we cannot even begin to grasp what is good for us. But "those whom He foreknew [of whom He was [k]aware and [l]loved beforehand], He also destined from the beginning [foreordaining them] to be molded into the image of His Son [and share inwardly His likeness], that He might become the firstborn among many brethren." This is what is good for us--that we be made like Him. And so I pray that I would receive with open hands, and a willing and thankful heart,whatever He has for me each day, trusting the One who knows what is good for me. 

"I've got this"

This past weekend was a difficult one for me and I went into Sunday morning as I often do, but perhaps even more so. I had my guard up and my heart hidden behind whatever steel I could muster. I made minimal eye contact, and tried not to enter into any real conversations. I answered question lightly, and tightly. The facts stretched thin across my face to mask the pain that their truth threatened to surface. 

I took my place in the scattered congregation. I settled in close to my brother and tried not to think about the empty row beside me and all that it represented. I sang the hymns, and at times the shell threatened to crack--worshiping the Lord who knows my heart and loves me anyways often brings me to my knees. But I grasped at the shards of my cracking mask and re-adjusted its place and held it fast.

And then the meeting neared an end and I thought that I had made it without letting down my guard. Then I see the bread begin to pass--and as I look, I realize that it is going to end up way on the opposite end of the pew. The end of the pew where my dad usually sits. My dad, who always looks out for me and takes care of the little details that I forget--like downloading tax programs, and getting snow tires, and passing the bread. My dad and mom aren't here and I am trying so hard to hold it all together but I can't. The seats that are empty and the row that is nearly empty as well scream of the loneliness, the ache, the sorrow.

I am looking around and wondering what to do--do I get up and go get the bread from the other end of the row? Should my brother get up instead? Maybe someone will notice that I am in need of a little help here...

And then my friend in the row behind me catches my eye and motions "I got this." A weight lifts off of me--I don't have to take care of this. And then as the bread comes and I take it and pass it, I burst into tears and I weep with the relief that my Father says to me "I got this." All the walls come tumbling down and I cry with gratitude that in the midst of my loneliness, my heartache, and my need the Lord Jesus says to me,  "I got this." 

"do you want to be careful or do you want to be friends?"

Today I read "A Bargain for Frances" by Russell Hoban, to my 3 year old niece. I had probably read it before but it had never hit me like it did this time. 

It is the story of two little girls who are supposedly friends but who are really using each other, not loving each other. At the end of the story they have this conversation: 

"Well," said Thelma, "from now on I will have to be careful when I play with you." "Being careful is not as much fun as being friends," said Frances. "Do you want to be careful, or do you want to be friends?"

It struck me that is the choice throughout life-- to be careful and to build walls,hold people(or God) are arms length, or to be friends-- to be honest and real and to really know one another.

Honestly, this is not something that I write about having achieved, but I write it out of conviction that this is what we need-- 

So, what shall it be? "Do you want to be careful, or do you want to be friends?"