I heard the voice of Jesus say

Sometimes Sunday mornings are hard. Yesterday's dawned bright and clear but for me it was dark and dismal. I wrestled with anxiety, fear and guilt as I prepared to come to the Lord's Supper. I felt like a failure. Rather than being able to rejoice in the grace and truth that are mine in the Lord Jesus, I swirled in the pit of guilt. Tears of frustration filled my eyes as I cried out to the Lord to free me from these lies of failure and worthlessness. As these thoughts plagued me I struggled to worship, but towards the end of the morning I lifted my voice to joyfully sing the truths that I knew to be real, despite my feelings. When I did I noticed that my joyful noise was disturbing the person in front of me and my heart sunk and the tears began to roll again. 

I came to the preaching service with discouragement and fear reigning in my heart. I took my seat and, with courage I did not think I had, sang of His great love to us. 

The sermon, rather than being a heady exposition on end times that I was expecting (dreading, if I am quite honest), was a continuation of the week before, looking at what we have in Christ as His new creation. 

The sermon opened with this hymn: "I heard the voice of Jesus say." 

And the first verse jumped out at me, 

"I heard the voice of Jesus say,

"Come unto to me and rest," 

Lay down, thou weary one, lay down

Thy head upon My breast.”
I came to Jesus as I was,
Weary and worn and sad;
I found in Him a resting place,
And He has made me glad."

The preacher said that the Lord has given us rest from three things: Rest from guilt, rest from the work of self-righteousness, and rest from the vices of sin. 

My breath caught when I heard the first thing that we have rest from---that had been my struggle all morning long! And when I heard the preacher's next words I knew that the Living, Loving God was speaking directly to me. He said "Satan tries to get us often at our most holy moments during the Lord's Supper." The Lord knew that I needed to know that my struggle with guilt and the resulting anxieties were part of a battle, not just one more thing that I had failed at. Recognizing that there is a battle going on--one that our Lord has already won, is a great encouragement to me. 

Tears of joy filled my eyes, but the Living God was not done speaking to my heart. The service ended and the brother that was sitting behind me reached over and laid a hand on my arm. He said, "I just wanted to tell you what a joy it is to hear you sing." My eyes nearly flooded again as I thanked him. He did not know how much I needed to hear that after having my song silenced earlier that morning, but the Lord Jesus knew. 

So often Lord, forgive me, but I doubt Your love. Thank you for these small reminders that "He who did not spare His own Son, how shall He not with Him freely give us all things?" Romans 8:32. Help me to trust Your love all of my days.

Grace in the mess

Tonight around the dinner table we were talking about unconditional love. You know that kind of super natural love that only comes from God and allows you to love others even in the midst of the mess. I started thinking about how that love gets reflected in everyday relationships and I thought of this story. 

About a week ago my little brother came home from college to spend Easter weekend with us and celebrate his birthday which happened to fall on his break. We had a bunch of his friends over and with the leadership of my dad, the mastermind chef, we were putting together a great meal. 

Due to some quantity issues and some last minute adjustments my dad asked me to whip up some stir fry sauce. It was getting close to the time that everything else was ready and so I started to get flustered and hurry. I was dumping things in and feeling sorry for myself that no one was helping me as I got more and more anxious about getting the sauce done "in time." I couldn't find one of the ingredients, chicken broth, and when I did it was in a 32 oz can and all I needed was a quarter cup. It was the last thing to go in and I quickly tried to pour it in only to succeed in pouring it all over the table and the floor. I exploded a little then myself and starting banging things around in my frustration, and complaining out-loud now that I didn't have anyone helping me. 

Instead of telling me to snap out of it (which I would have deserved), or to stop blaming others for your spills and mistakes (which I also would have deserved), my sister & brother stepped over and gently took over my sauce-making disaster. My brother stirred up the sauce and my sister wiped up the mess. 

When I took a deep breath and turned to apologize, I kissed my sister and said,  "Thank you for cleaning up my mess." They both looked me in the eye and said "We love you, Megs." 

It struck me today that that is how Christ loves us. He wants us to ask for help, but even when we don't and we make a mess of things, He steps in to clean it up and to redeem even our mistakes. And why? Because He loves us. He did not choose us because our great might or strength, He chose us because He loves us. He is not surprised when we fail, nor does His grace ever find an end. He loves us even in the mess!

Learning to give thanks

I told a story yesterday to a friend of mine and I think that it bears repeating. 

Last year in my first year as a school nurse I met a student who touched my life. He was what school nurses refer to as a frequent flyer and came to see me nearly every day with some concern. These physical needs were simply a cover for what became obvious to me as a need to feel connected and to be cared for. He was always polite, and never disrespectful and I grew to really enjoy seeing his smiling face and hearing the oft repeated request, "Can I have some vaseline for my lips?" 

Towards the end of the year I was informed that on field days it would be my job to hand out ice-pops to ward off dehydration. In the course of two days I would hand out nearly 500 ice-pops to the kids as they ran from station to station. The first day--grades k-2 went very well. The kids sat down, and they listened to my instructions as I explained that there was to be no special requests for a particular color or flavor, that they would just have to "get what they get."  Each class thanked me--corporately and individually and moved on to their next activity. The second day didn't go so well. The older students--grades 3-5, were picky, and their time with me was chaotic. They didn't listen to my direction and complained if they didn't get the ice-pop they wanted. It was not such a fun day. 

Part way though that crazy day, my "frequent flyer" came with his class for their turn at the rest station. I tried to explain that they couldn't choose their flavor but no one was listening and I gave up trying. I was handing out ice-pops as fast as I could when my friend stopped in front of me and asked if he could have a blue one. I sighed a little and explained for the umpteenth time that day, that "I'm sorry but I can't let people pick their flavor, its too hard with so many kids." I handed him a pink one and he started to turn away, but then he stopped. He paused, and looked me in the eye and said, "Thank you very much, Miss G.," and turned and walked away. 

It was all I could do not to cry on the spot. I saw him later and told him how proud I was of him that he had made the choice to be thankful even when he did not get what he wanted. 

What a precious lesson to learn! I pray that I would learn the same. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, "Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks for this is the will of God, in Christ Jesus for you."  Give thanks in EVERYTHING. That leaves no room for an ungrateful heart no matter what life may bring. Lord Jesus, may I like Paul learn to be content in all circumstances. 

Communication

This past week I have been thinking a lot about communication--how we do it, how to do it well, and how if Jesus is our life then even our communication should be filled with His grace and truth. 

At the same time I have felt my heart drawn to the gospels because although all of Scripture is God-breathed and IS profitable, in the four gospels we have something very precious--glimpses of the days that the King of Glory walked this earth! He interacted with other people--He communicated His truth to human hearts. He responded to numerous requests. He entered into discussion that was not always easy or well received. 

So what does looking at the life of Jesus teach us about how we communicate with one another? Here are just a few thoughts from John 1.

1)"The Word became flesh and dwelt among us." --Communication can only happen in community. Just as Jesus came and dwelt among us we must dwell with those that we are called to love. 

2) Jesus' first question for the disciples who followed Him was "What are you seeking?" --He cut to the heart of their desire, drawing them out to consider their need. 

3). His next words were "Come and see." --an invitation to life together. We show love, we demonstrate Christ only in allowing others to enter in and see Him whom we love and serve. There is vulnerability require to invite someone to join the journey.

4) Jesus renamed Peter--and it struck me that He also renames us and allows us to take part in the renaming process in each others lives. We hear the world, and the flesh, tell us that our name is Failure, Loser, Unlovable, Unforgivable. But Jesus gives us a new name--Redeemed, Beloved, Precious, Forgiven and He ask us to join Him in calling our brothers and sisters by their new name--lest we forget!

5) Jesus shows grace even to the ungraceful. --When the Lord calls Nathanael through Philip, Nathanael responds bluntly, and perhaps with a bit of judgmental-ism, and cynicism--"Can any good thing come out of Nazareth." And yet when Jesus meets him He says, "Behold an Israelite in whom there is no guile." If I was Jesus I would have had something very different to say to Nathanael but Jesus shows him grace and even speaks good of Nathanael. 

6) The last verse of the chapter finds Jesus bluntly revealing who He is--and that struck me because I always that thought that Jesus waited until closer to the cross to start revealing His person and His plan to the disciples but clearly here He states that He is the Son of Man--the way to heaven. Likewise we should be transparent with one another and we should pray that the Lord would allow us to be a part of revealing Him to the hurting, broken, lost world around us. 

As a post-script to this-- I realized after I wrote it and was thinking about it for a while that the beauty here is that this is also our model for how to fulfill the Great Commission. This is how our Lord made disciples and what better model can we follow!

I don't know the way

Recently I have been listening to a lot of Andrew Peterson's music and today I can't get the song "Holy is the Lord" out of my head or heart. 

The song is the story of Abraham's journey up the mountain to offer his son as a sacrifice. I recently heard Andrew perform this song live at a concert and he pointed out that unlike the rest of us, Abraham did not know how the story was going to end. We know from the book of Hebrews that Abraham trusted that God was able to raise Isaac from the dead--but even with that trust the journey up the mountain must have been heart-wrenching. 

I've been thinking a lot about this story --the journey up the mountain that we are all on. I don't know how my story, or anyone else's story is going to end here on this earth. I know, like Abraham, that my God will raise the dead, and take us home to heaven. But in the midst of the struggles and the sorrows of life, I don't know how the story will end. 

I feel like Abraham, called to make a sacrifice--mine may not be a tangible one, but it is precious nonetheless. And like the words of that song--written as though from Abraham's heart, I too sing, 

"Holy is the Lord, 

Holy is the Lord, 

and the Lord I will obey. 

Lord,Help me I don't know the way." 

I don't know the way--I don't know how to even surrender this sacrifice. And then I am reminded that on that Mountain the Lord was first called, Jehovah Jireh--the God who provides, or another paraphrase--The God who Sees to it. The Lord God is able to provide a way for me to lay it down; if I will just obey. 

Lord-- you are the God who sees to it. Lord I pray that You would provide the means and the grace for surrender. 

Perfect Love

1 John 4:18a "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

I have often struggled with this verse---because I am a fear-filled person. I often feel like my anxieties take on a life of their own and run away, dragging me along. 

So if Jesus's perfect Love casts out fear--why do I struggle so? 

I don't think that I have fully arrived at an answer but I do think that it is at least partially because I fail to recognize the fullness of the love that He has for me.

A Love--that seeks to draw me--orchestrating every message I hear, every blog that I read, every word that is said--so that I hear His voice-- so that I hear Him call. (Acts 17)

A Love--that sends His servants to be the hands and feet of His love here on earth--so that even in the hardest moments when I feel alone and forgotten He holds me close in the tangible arms of the body of Christ.

A Love--that does not expect me to be perfect--(though I often think it does)--that forgives me and gives me grace beyond what I can comprehend. 

A Love-- that made me--formed me in my mother's womb--fearfully and wonderfully made --marked out for a purpose before time began. 

A Love--that deigns to use me to speak and show His love--that "all earth may know!" 

Romans 8:32 "He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?"

In the storm

The last few weeks have been tough. I have felt so weighed down by the devastation caused by sin in this world. I have cried out a lot of "Why God?" questions and I have wrestled with these things. 

It can be hard, if not impossible to understand the intersection of the sovereignty and the goodness of God when we look at the hurt and the pain all around us. But as I was wrestling with these things--the Sovereign Lord allowed a simple Wednesday evening message to speak His goodness to my heart. 

We were studying Acts, but the verse that caught my eye--and spoke directly to my heart was one little cross reference was in Mark 6--Jesus's disciples are in a boat crossing the sea of Galilee and a storm comes up against them--it actually says that "they were making headway painfully." Isn't that often how this life feels--like making headway painfully? For every step forward it's two steps back. But then the Lord Jesus comes and He says, "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid." Then the storm is calmed. 

The thought that the Lord brought to my mind that night was this---"Do you trust more in the Lord who never allows a storm or the Lord who is present with you in the midst of the storm?" 

The reality is that when we have periods of calm--we quickly forget the Lord who is with us always. But in the midst of life's storms we take heart in realizing the presence of the One who says, "It is I. Do not be afraid." 

It is also interesting to note that the Lord calmed their hearts before He calmed the sea--He may not always calm the storm right away but He calms His child in the storm. 

So, Lord Jesus, I pray that I would see You in the storms--that I would recognize Your presence with me and that I would take heart.Help me to remember that the gift of Your presence is a far greater gift than any escape from earthly circumstances.