Starting again

So, yes, here I am, starting again with my list of One Thousand Gifts... I have never gotten past 400 but I want to do this--to count the way the Lord God loves me! so here I am again..

I am reminded of that song "A thousand times I failed, still your mercy remains..." Or that one by Rend Collective, "Countless Second Chances"

I am Thankful that is the God we serve--the God of Countless Second Chances.

1. Getting to hold my precious Emmy tonight
2. Talking with my dearest friends
3. Hugs
4. Laughter
5. Yummy dinner that my momma made (Moroccan Chicken)
6. Pie from Morgan
7. Listening to my dad passionately defend the truth of the Word of God
8. Prayer time with the church body
9. Being truly seen
10. Notes from friends
11. Invitations to celebrate joy with others
12. Hot showers and anti-bacterial soap--sometimes regular soap just doesn't cut it. 
13. watching the joy that a child brings to everyone around them
14. Getting to spend time with a precious little one --reading When Bear Gets Sick :)
15. Caedmon's Call--for putting words and music to the cries of my heart

The Touch of the Master's Hand, by Myra Brooks Welch.

For my youth group kids, you are loved more than you can imagine and I love to see how the touch of the Master's hand is growing and changing you! 

Wrestling

Anxiety is a monster
It eats away at me
there's tension building inside
Hidden so you can't see

I sit and try to unwind
My muscles grow sore
I've felt it before
It goes straight to the core

My head starts to pound
I start at each sound
My heart keeps pace
its starting to race

I can't get away
What can I say
I wish I could rest
but I want to give you my best

How to let go?
Does somebody know?
I open my hands
I offer my heart
Lord take me apart

Apart--this anxiety wears me out
I'm coming to pieces
from the fear and the doubt

Apart--"Come apart and rest,"
"I've given you My Best."
"Come you who are weary
Whose load is heavy
Whose way is dreary"

I am starting to see
Its not at all about me
I turn and I bend
I cry out to My Friend!

Lord, I can't
And You don't tell me I can
Instead You whisper, "Lean on Me, my child,
I'll carry you til the end."

(probably not my best work--but in the spirit of transparency--both of my imperfect writing and my struggle with anxiety, here it is)

Seen

I have been reading the story of the woman with the issue of blood recently and some new and wonderful thoughts struck me. 

It is the story of a woman whose medical condition left her ostracized, alone, penniless, and unseen. She was considered unclean according to Jewish law and so would have been unlikely to have much human contact and certainly no one would touch her lest they too become unclean. She had spent all her available funds seeking medical attention that had failed her. She was completely without hope. 

And then one day Jesus comes to town. She comes up behind Him in the midst of a large crowd and touches His garment believing that touch alone can heal her. Jesus immediately knows that "power has gone out from Him" and asks "who touched me?"

And then the word of God shows us a precious thing. It says next, "And when the woman saw that she was not hidden." That she was not hidden. The Matthew account says "Jesus turned and seeing her." 

I am so overwhelmed and so thankful that we are not hidden from Him. He sees us as we really are and love us just the same. He sees our heartache, He sees our pain. Sometimes He touches and heals. Sometimes He weeps with us. But either way He is always the God who sees.

The Answer

Shock and horror

Is this real?

My breath is gone

my lips go numb

My heart is pounding

I wish I could cry

I am crying inside

Why did you die?

My mind seems blank

I reach for the phone

I wonder who to call

I feel all alone

Who will hear me?

Who can relate?

This world's gone crazy

So filled with hate

I cry out to Jesus

Who alone can hear

the cry filled with pain,

anger and fear

He rules and reigns

And justice will be served

No tear shed in vain

No prayer goes unheard

He alone can comfort

He alone can save

My Lord conquered death

And rose up from the grave.

Knowing

Knowing

I want to know

I have to see

How does it work?

this human body

How are we made?

Why do we break?

Can you tell me

help me see 

I know its no mistake

I love to know

It's a joy to me

The wonder of how

The Life-giver breathed His life in me

I love to study

To gain new sight

to see the glimpse

of His glory bright

Lord,use this hunger

To help me grow

Let me seek first Lord

You to know

May my love of study drive me deep

Into Your arms, one of Your sheep

Let me know You and be known

May You be exalted to the highest throne!

Giving up

I once heard someone comment that they never went out in public in sweatpants because they "really hadn't given up on [themselves] yet." And for a while I really tried. I gave up wearing my sweats in public out of fear of what others thought of me. 

But you know what? I like wearing my sweatpants. They are comfortable. They always fit. And when you live in Upstate NY where it is winter 6 months out of the year; they are warm. And frankly fashion-sense has not been one of my strongest points in life. 

So I decided, I am giving up. I am giving up caring what people think of me if I wear my sweat pants in public. I would rather be comfortable than cool. 

I wish it were so easy in other areas. John 12:43 says, "for they loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God." And later on in Colossians we are reminded to serve not by way of "eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord." 

Lord help me to be careful to serve You first, to care most what is on Your heart, and help me to be careless of what people think  of me when I am obedient to You.